New York Jets @ New England Patriots (-23.5)
- New York: New Jets starting QB Luke Falk was draft pick 199 and hasn’t kissed anyone in the basement of a house party recently - so he gets to start against the most famous pick 199 of all time. The Jets came into the season with a lot of promise, but Baker, mono and Adam Gase’s weird eyes have torpedoed Fireman Ed’s squad.
- New England: Hear us out - the Patriots didn’t play well ENOUGH against the lowly Dolphins. Take out the 2 pick sixes and if the Miami receivers don’t drop literally every decent pass thrown their way, there is no way the Pats cover that spread. Still, the scuttlebutt in New England these days is that the Pats hijacked the schedule software and planted mono on Sam Darnold’s beer pong cup. Bill really is the dark lord.
TL;DR The spread in this game mirrors a mid-September non-conference game for football’s other dark lord, Nick Saban. The difference, of course, is that Saban makes his schedule himself.
Denver Broncos @ Green Bay Packers (-7.5)
- Denver: Imagine how you might feel after this sequence of events: Denver scores with 30 seconds left to make it 13-12. Need an XP to tie. Elect to go for two. Then they get a delay of game call so they decide to kick the XP. Then the dude misses the XP but a Bears dude was offsides. Then they decide to go for 2 and get it. AND YOU STILL LOSE! There aren’t enough marijuana dispensaries in all of Colorado.
- Green Bay: If Green Bay is gonna go anywhere, it’s their defense that’s gonna to carry them. Sure, the Packers scored 3 TDs in their first 3 drives, but Rodgers needed his defense to come up big and stop a potentially game-winning drive- for the second straight week.
TL;DR The Packers are 2-0 and play 4 of their next 5 at Lambeau- let the hype train keep on rolling.
Detroit Lions @ Philadelphia Eagles (-7.0)
- Detroit: Count the Lions among the undefeated teams left in the league after 2 weeks. The 1-0-1 Lions are riding the backs of Kerryon Johnson and Kenny Golloday (and 2 blown FGs by the Chargers punter and an Austin Eckler fumble at the goal line. Wait, they also blew a 2 TD lead to Arizona in Week 1…) Maybe we shouldn’t take Part-Time Overweight Al Borland/ Full-Time Head Coach Matt Patricia off the hot seat just yet.
- Philadelphia: The Eagles had to cancel practice earlier this week because, frankly, their entire team is hurt. Sunday Night’s game against the Falcons (the “bird fight” as NBC put it) was a battle between a team trying to just get out of the game healthy, and a team quarterbacked by Matt Ryan. While Philly lost the game, the bigger concern was the plethora of injuries the eagles faced at WR, backup TE and, for a while, their franchise QB. The Eagles will probably be fine- they have health insurance.
TL;DR The Eagles should only need their JV squad to beat the “undefeated” Lions, which says way more about the Lions than it does the Eagles.
Baltimore Ravens @ Kansas City Chiefs (-6.5)
- Baltimore: Lamar has taken Charm City by storm - so much so that their 6 point victory over the Air Raid Cardinals has earned them Top 5 team in the league status. Baltimore is good(?) but throttling the worst team in NFL history and then a home victory over a rookie QB as tall as Dustin Pedroia isn’t all that much to write home about. Still, Lamar just wins, and in the trainwreck AFC North - that might be all they need to do.
- Kansas City: When you throw all your TD passes for the game in a single quarter, you really are on pace to being the “first ACTIVE NFL HALL OF FAME PLAYER” (God we hate ESPN). Seriously though, there is no regression from boy wonder and the Chiefs are just as unstoppable when their child-abusing wide receiver is out with a hurt shoulder. Go figure.
TL;DR Hopefully Baltimore can stay with Mahomes and Co long enough to keep our interest.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Buffalo Bills (-6.0)
- Cincinnati: So much for the Bengals NOT being terrible. Andy Dalton’s road performance in Seattle is a distant memory as Cincy got trounced at home by the 49ers. The Bengals can’t block anyone on offense and can’t tackle anyone on defense. That’s not gonna win you many football games no matter how many trick plays Zac Taylor has up his sleeve.
- Buffalo: Speaking of the AFC East, the second best team in the worst division in sports is 2-0. Josh Allen owns New York (city AND state) and the Bills Mafia is ALL IN on this team. Buffalo hasn’t played outside the state of New York yet, and have a real good chance to be 3-0 heading into a showdown with the Patriots in Week 4.
TL;DR Frank Gore is lead blocking for Josh Allen as the Bills run up the power rankings with a win over the lowly Bengals. No need to watch this mess.
Atlanta Falcons @ Indianapolis Colts (-1.5)
- Atlanta: Atlanta did everything in their power to hand the game to Philly last Sunday Night- dropped passes, penalties, missed tackles- until Matt Ryan recognized zero coverage and threw a wide receiver screen to Julio Jones. It wasn’t pretty; but Dan Quinn’s seat is a little less warm with that win.
- Indianapolis: The Colts scored 19 points on 3 TDs in their Week 2 win because, well, their HoF kicker seems to have lost it. While we all thought Vinatieri might hang it up after these two weeks, it looks like the team is sticking by him. Which is smart- since no team has ever gone wrong hanging on to the hope that a player’s past performance is indicative of future corrections.
TL;DR The Falcons aren’t fooling anybody. Their offensive line is weak and the Colts are proving they may get further with Brissett than people thought.
Oakland Raiders @ Minnesota Vikings (-8.5)
- Oakland: It’s been awhile since we’ve seen a coach have a full press conference meltdown, but we get the feeling one’s coming, and the sharp money is on Gruden. Oakland’s final performance on a baseball infield was as forgettable as this Raiders season will be. Now they get to go on the road for 5 straight weeks, including a “home” game in London.
- Minnesota: Anyone who titled on the Vikings after their took apart the Falcons in Week 1 probably isn’t in the top of the standings right now. Kirk Cousins looks lost- and he hasn’t even played in Prime Time yet. Think Minnesota fans are wishing they’d saved all that money and instead drafted Gardner Minshew yet?
TL;DR Vikings are Raiders, Raiders are Vikings. This matchup is so meta.
Miami Dolphins @ Dallas Cowboys (-21.5)
- Miami: The Houston Astros win 1 World Series and now every front office in sports thinks that tanking is a viable way to extend your job security for 3 years. The Dolphins are a disaster. They probably won’t win a game all year.
- Dallas: $40 million is starting to look like a bargain for Dak. Not really, but the man is playing like it. The Cowboys are taking care of business, which is what you are expected to do when your schedule opens up against the Giants, the Redskins, and the Dolphins.
TL;DR This is another matchup that is going to have that feel of a mid-September non-conference college game. One where the Cowboys starters are out after the first quarter, or the Dolphins shock the world. Hey man, any given Sunday.